I am

I am one of those people who can't sit still. I am one of those people who's mind is running a million miles a minute with what should be done and what has to get done and what can be done. I am one of those people that has about a zillion projects going at one time- no really, about a zillion. However, all of this energy is rarely used to see anything through to completion. I would love to have one of those cute cozy blogger mom houses with the little touches of home made this and that that look oh so cute and chic and crafty, but in reality, my house is a disaster zone because I'm so busy thinking about the next project and keeping up with my two guys and all of our activities to actually get ahead of anything. Or almost anything.

Because we're running into a deadline, and I want this party to go off without a hitch, I've been listing and relisting and checking offf and crafting my (not so) little butt off for our son's first birthday party. We're doing one of those "oh so cute, look at all the fabulous decorations and other this and that" theme parties that you see on the blogs. I don't know if I'm setting myself up to feel like a failure, but I hope this party looks as good all set up as I see it in my head. I've been planning for about 6 months. We'll have to see how it turns out.

Maybe after this party is out of the way I can focus on tidying  all of my this and that and putting together some semblance of a cute, chic, crafty little house (or at least corner of) to enjoy.

Epic failure

So I have totally done nothing to accomplish any one item on my checklist. Okay, I've done one thing, I charted my first cycle on my trusty calendar. Other than that, I have done zilch. Well, maybe I've also brought more produce into the house, and have made a pretty good attempt at making sure it doesn't end up on the compost pile. Aside from that, nothing. I've looked into Zumba, I've contemplated jogging 3 times a week, I've even thought about playing in the adult sand volleyball league that is local. What I have not done is anything remotely physical. I have plenty of options, I just don't do it. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the exercise I know I need in order to lose weight. I don't get it. I think it breaks down to the fact that I have some sort of dysmorphic thing when it comes to my image. I don't really see myself as large as I truly am when I look in the mirror and that is a problem. When I was thin, I thought I was fat. Also a problem. I need to get moving. I need to get moving. I NEED TO GET MOVING!

The To-Do List

Now that I know what I want to do, I have to make a check list of all the things I want to accomplish to make my chances of having a VBAC much better. I haven't done a ton of research, or talked to my current OB/GYN about this, I don't intend for anyone else to think these are things that people MUST do in order to have a VBAC, these are just things that I feel I need to do.

1. Lose about 80 pounds and keep it off.
2. Become physically fit.
3. Chart my cycles and fertility signs to find out peak fertility times.
4. Talk to current OB/GYN or new OB/GYN about  having VBAC
5. Achieve conception.
6. Take Bradley Classes
7. Investigate birthing coach options
8. Have a baby!

So, this doesn't seem like much to tackle. People have overcome much more, right? Well, where to start. I NEED to lose weight. Not just to have a VBAC, but because I've been gaining weight since high school and have been overweight since I was a freshman in college. Diabetes and heart disease run in my family, so I need to lose weight. I want to be able to keep up with Josiah and be a good role model to him, so the first two items on my list are essential. Problem: I LOVE food! I love it and worse than that, my favorite foods are some of the worst ones for a person. I have no sense of portion control and balance in my diet. I make the meals, so I need to change this, but I love food. It's a vicious cycle. On top of that, I live with a LAZY man. I love my husband to death, but he is the epitome of laziness. He talks a good game, but when it comes to doing things to change our lifestyle together, he has 8 bazillion reasons why we can't do this and he's too tired to do that. Le sigh. So I need to change, I just don't know how. This is the first leg of my journey.

A focus

So I felt called to start blogging.  I didn't really have a focus and there are literally a zillion mommy blogs covering the day to day adventures of the stay at home mom. So why should anyone read my blog versus all the other blogs out there. What would draw anyone in? Would this just be an outlet for me or would I be using my gifts to do something that might help other people as well? Something I really want, and was shocked that a lot of the moms I've come in contact with have not wanted is a VBAC. I had a cesarean section and didn't want one. I'm certainly thankful for the outcome, my healthy little boy, but I can't help feeling a little disappointed in my birth experience. I want to feel labor. I want to know what a contraction feels like, and I want to hear my next baby's first cry, I want to be able to hold him/her right away. I've decided that I'm going to do whatever it takes to get the most organic birth experience I can.

This may seem a bit off base not knowing my birth story for my son. I'll give an abridged version of how things went. I could probably write a book about it.

I had moved and selected an OBGYN out of the yellow pages. Since I was a new patient and didn't have a regular doctor at the practice, it was the luck of the draw who I'd see, and most of the the time it was the nurse practitioner. I had a great pregnancy, as far as I knew and what I was told.  The nurse practitioner gave me an ultrasound at 38 weeks because I felt "packed full of baby," and the next week, one of the doctors ordered another one to check size and weight. Again, no one said anything about what I came to discover from the doctor who delivered my baby was high fluid. Anyway, my due date came and went. Without asking me what my preference was, the Nurse Practitioner scheduled me for p-gel to help "nudge" labor along. Nothing happened. At the start of my 41st week, I was scheduled for induction. I was ready to meet my baby boy. I was hooked up to pitocen for a few hours when the doctor decided to break my water. I don't know why, I wasn't feeling contractions, I wasn't progressing as far as I could  tell. They broke my water. My son's heart beat was lost on the moniter. They decided to prep the OR and get me down there. They said they would stop and I could labor if the heart rate came back up. It didn't and while I was moving to the stretcher to get to the OR, the cord prolapsed. I was knocked out and my son, Josiah, was born at 10:47 am on July 19th, 2010. My water was broken at 10:18. It was fast. I  apparently didn't wake very pleasantly  from being knocked out. I ripped out my IV and at one point 5 nurses had to hold me down. When I finally woke up, one of the first things I told my husband was "I feel everything." Restarting my IV delayed pain medication. I couldn't remember why I was in the hospital. He had to tell me the baby was born. I didn't get to meet my son until after 1 pm. It wasn't what I dreamed of when we found out we were pregnant. I am still disappointed in my experience, although, I am very grateful for the outcome. Almost 8 months later, as my belly is shrinking, I still get pains where my scar is. Sometimes it is sore and bruised from wearing  jeans. It is what it is, but I don't know why anyone would want to do it again.  Maybe that's just me.

So, my focus is attaining a VBAC. I'll have more to say another time, but for now that's it. I'll leave you with this poem. It has been a source of comfort to me since I had my son.


My Cesarean Poem

I had a cesarean
I didn't want one
I wanted a baby
All wet and messy
Plopped onto my bare chest
To comfort in his first moment
By the stroke of my hand
And a nuzzle at my breast

 
I had a cesarean
All betadine and beeping machines
And anonymous blue masks
Seeing my insides
And me- numb to my toes
With no feeling

 
Except heartbreak

 
My plans
And my dreams
Were betrayed
By the orange label
Attached to my chart
Code for "high risk"

 
I didn't feel high risk
I hated that label

 
Who are these people
Did you start?
I'm here!  I'm here!  Why is
No one talking to me?
I hear my baby cry, my baby cry
But can't see MY BABY
My baby, my baby, someone bring me
My baby
No answers
No explanation
I am alone
Except for the blue masks
Putting my insides back in.

 
He was brought to me
Already clean and wrapped
And frantic
I couldn't even hold him
I'm sure it is not what he expected
Either.

 
Then the blood
Then the pain
My belly no longer full of baby
Grew distended with air

 
"It doesn't matter now"  woman #1 said
"I had three cesareans, they are no big deal" bitch #2 said
"Your sister sprang right back"  my mother said
(My sister was 19)

 
I have flashbacks
Like a war vet
And a sadness that
No one wants to hear about
And pain.

 
It does matter
It is a big deal
It is a mourning
I had a cesarean
I didn't want one.

 
                   -Barbara Stratton
                    Mom to Charlie born 1999 by cesarean section